Harmony in the Home

You never truly miss something until its gone.
I'd like to begin my post by explaining that our home has never been perfect. We have never been completely without bickering. We have never had a spotless home. We have never been 100% on all things spiritual. But we have also never been so full of frustration either. The harmony of our home is not what it used to be. We used to laugh more. We used to hug more. We used to be really happy.
A wonderful and terrible thing has happened in our family since we opened it up and welcomed our foster child. We have learned about compassion, but we have learned how one child's example can be poison for the other children and parents. Autumn came into our home in just the way we were taught she would. There was a honeymoon period. She was sweet and listened well. She aimed to please. She always picked up after herself. A few time-outs and she was good to go. I thought we had struck gold. Then the behaviors began. First it was competitiveness. She and Billy (and eventually Ian) began trying to be the best and claim that title for everything. We dealt with it beautifully. We praised both for their abilities and talents and explained that each of these skills would come to the other in time. I was happy with myself as a new foster parent.
Then, we went on vacation. As a family, we went to see my dad and we did not bring Autumn. We left her with her past foster family, thinking she'd be happier visiting friends anyway. We did not expect her to feel abandoned. We did not expect her to lash out in anger upon our return. The hitting began. The tantrums grew worse. It was a nightmare. Still, we prayed and discussed between one another (Carl and I) and decided the best thing to do was to show Autumn that when people love you they don't leave you when you're bad. We stuck with her. We hit it hard with discipline- creative discipline. We assigned lines to write. We gave grounding punishments for whole days. We took away toys. We took away bedding (because it was thrown at us). And lastly, we took the bike. We broke her heart. We handled it. This seemed to work. Day by day she gained our trust back. We gave the bike back. We gave the toys back. We gave the pillows back. It worked.
Now Autumn is feeling the turmoil of her little life. As her days in foster care slip away she has become almost mean. She talks back. She makes up stories. She argues with my decisions. She snaps at the other kids. She glares at me. She ignores me. I just am not sure how much more I can take. I feel I have been so patient. I really do love this child. I have prayed over and over for more love for her. I know I can not give up on her. It is hard. I know passing her on to yet another foster home will do no good for her. And I would never get over the guilt of it. I need her to be good. I need to know she'll survive the struggles that await her (in going home or adjusting to a new home) after the permanency hearing. This is hard.
But I will perservere. Why? you ask. Because she is a child of God. He loves her. He wants me to be her caretaker during this difficult time. I know- because I've asked his permission to just let this all go. With Carl's proven record of consistency and support, I know we can make this work out for us and her. I know there is a lesson for our family in this great struggle. I know my children will always remember this service. And Autumn's life will be forever changed because of the lessons we teach and the love we give. I know it is the best for her... and us.
So, we are on to fight another battle. We are off to teach by love and perserverence. We will prevail.